Max Painful to watch

Don’t let the trailer above fool you. The movie sucked. Hard.

Max Payne is an adaption of the popular video game series. The games are full of Matrix-style, John Woo slow motion dives in bullet time which are woven between threads of great plot twists with memorable characters and engaging storyline. The movie takes all the awesomeness that is Max Payne and throws it into a bag of excrement, twirls it around at a high velocity and throws it onto the silver screen. The end result is less than disappointing. An awesome actor like Mark Wahlburg couldn’t save the film armed with a shotgun, a maddening cut scene where rage manifests itself into hellish demons, a PG 13 rating and Ludacris with his terrible acting.

The movie could have been wrapped up awesomely with 3 minutes of slow motion diving through a warehouse while bullets slice through air to house themselves deep within the bodies of guards who are shown falling, flipping and flailing backwards at a insanely slow speeds. Gravity would be less than non-existence where if anyone were trying to get a hold of it would reach an answering message of “Fuck You”. Mark Walhburg as Max Payne would kick, punch, stab, burst, break, and bash anyone retarded enough to cross his path. The lack of any kind of rating would mean women, children, small animals, pets, goats, salesmen, Nicholas Cage, a tomato, that guy from the office that cries about his wife getting nailed by the mailman, John McCain, a can of spinach and a rolled up newspaper would not be spared from his wrath.

The last two minutes would be a close up of Mila Kunis slamming on a salami with such a lack of dignity that would cause snakes to blush.

The only time Ludacris would be in the movie is as a descriptive noun to fully elaborate on the speed of carnage that brilliantly portrays what Max Payne is all about.

This article was edited by your Mom.

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